Embrace My Weird
What would it be like if all of your quirks were received as assets? Character traits that made you the wonderful, colorful, unique human that you are? Exciting. Intriguing. Mysterious. Entertaining. Persistent. Dogged. Open to new experiences.
What would it be like if these same traits were received as obstacles? Reminders of how you different from others, less than expected. Obtuse. Inconsistent. Unreliable. Inattentive. Incomplete.
Often the things that attracted us to our partners, in the beginning, can be lost in the minutia of day-to-day to-dos and needs in a relationship. Family, work, household responsibilities. In the current COVID-19 climate of social distancing and shelter-in-place orders, these character traits may readily be construed as annoyances in a “Groundhog Day” fashion, causing more discord than before, at a time when we need to feel connected.
This whole dance has required the resetting of boundaries in my own home, as well as those of my clients. Our rhythms are different. Our needs have shifted as well. And in a world of ADHD, none of it is as interesting as it was in the initial honeymoon of stay-at-home orders.
That doesn’t have to be the case for any of us. You and your partner are a captive audience, primed for revisiting those qualities that you hold dear - you know, the ones that make your partner attractive and different from yourself. Perhaps it is the way they doggedly pursue new endeavors, or it might be the strong calm they bring to the storm. Maybe they are your cheerleader when others might have traditionally held you back? Mr. Bigstuff fondly refers to these character traits as our “weird” - that which sets us apart from the pack. For me, he is always in pursuit of understanding and trying out new technologies, mechanical tasks, and feats of engineering. For him, it is the way in which I fearlessly pursue new culinary endeavors and then lose that perfect dish in a sea of other trials and tribulations, the way in which I put myself out there for others and embrace new connections with greater ease (news flash, it isn’t that easy for me either). We both embrace challenges. We are unstoppable when we embrace them together.
My colleague Jonathan Hassall and I have had many conversations over the last 6-12 months around this level of connection vs discord seen in the couple’s work we have done in our coaching practices. It is what inspired us to address these practices in our talk at the 2019 International Conference on ADHD in Philadelphia, PA last November and the work we have been undertaking and expanding through ADHDyou.com and our Couples Connect RESET Program set to launch on June 7th.
Partnership is a practice. Just as we grow as individuals, so too can will we change and grow as a couple. It often takes practice to maintain the level of connection and appreciation that you felt for one another in those early months or years together. Jonathan and I both actively work on our own relationships just as often as we coach others around this same topic. Getting off track is common. Feeling disconnected is not abnormal. It is how you choose to move forward once you have become aware of this that matters. Are you choosing to stew in silence? Or are you ready to put in the work, be vulnerable, share your weird, and reassert the choices to connect?
What is your weird? And how are you showing up with your own partnership? If things have gotten a little too crazy or overwhelming, we hope that you will consider joining us on June 7th for four evenings, to reset your intentions and perspective within your own ADHD partnership.